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I know I do not have an audience quite yet, but I still want to take the time to explain, potentially just to myself, why I have gone ahead and started a new journal. In a sense it seems unnecessary, or wasteful, but I really think that by burying my old journal for the moment, along with all of the other intermediate blogs I’ve written on in the past, will help me move forward a bit.
My old journal is full of middle school – the greasy, tear-stained strife of middle school, during which time I’d write about having no friends one day, and the next post a long entry about the fun I had with the friends I apparently didn’t have. It is full of high school – the foul-smelling, hormonal former frustrations of being trapped in one place with idiots for four straight years, of tumbling, solitarily, through a frothy wave of faces I barely recall, and in regrets about things I no longer care about. It is full of blank spaces where my first two years of college should have been, and covered instead in the rare entry about something irrelevant, something that made me angry once, about the fictional characters that slipped away from me long before I set them free. There is a smattering of summer camp, a few voice posts from exciting places, and hundreds of red X’s where important images used to live. There is an editorial about Harry Potter, a meme I answered too honestly, and the lyrics to a song whose title I can’t remember.
If the internet is a place, that journal is a hangout that used to be cool. There used to be a shopping mall there, maybe, and the best parts of the Bronx Zoo, and tons of grass that just waited for me to sprawl myself across it in luxury. When you stop going somewhere, especially somewhere that’s just for you, there’s no guarantee that it will still be there, the way you remember it, when you get back. The shops closed down, and the animals ran off somewhere, and the grass died. It’s all still there, just like you it was before, but it’s not a place you want to stay and spend the day. You need to find a new hangout so you can do what you want to do. That’s what happened, I think. I need to move away from that old place.
I want to do more writing and less rambling. I want to record important events in my life without having to see them alongside the important events from five years ago. I want to stop paying for a journal I scarcely use these days. I want to re-invent my blog. Maybe it will be just for me – maybe someone will stumble across it and decide to stay. Whatever the case, I need a change.
Hopefully this is it.
My old journal is full of middle school – the greasy, tear-stained strife of middle school, during which time I’d write about having no friends one day, and the next post a long entry about the fun I had with the friends I apparently didn’t have. It is full of high school – the foul-smelling, hormonal former frustrations of being trapped in one place with idiots for four straight years, of tumbling, solitarily, through a frothy wave of faces I barely recall, and in regrets about things I no longer care about. It is full of blank spaces where my first two years of college should have been, and covered instead in the rare entry about something irrelevant, something that made me angry once, about the fictional characters that slipped away from me long before I set them free. There is a smattering of summer camp, a few voice posts from exciting places, and hundreds of red X’s where important images used to live. There is an editorial about Harry Potter, a meme I answered too honestly, and the lyrics to a song whose title I can’t remember.
If the internet is a place, that journal is a hangout that used to be cool. There used to be a shopping mall there, maybe, and the best parts of the Bronx Zoo, and tons of grass that just waited for me to sprawl myself across it in luxury. When you stop going somewhere, especially somewhere that’s just for you, there’s no guarantee that it will still be there, the way you remember it, when you get back. The shops closed down, and the animals ran off somewhere, and the grass died. It’s all still there, just like you it was before, but it’s not a place you want to stay and spend the day. You need to find a new hangout so you can do what you want to do. That’s what happened, I think. I need to move away from that old place.
I want to do more writing and less rambling. I want to record important events in my life without having to see them alongside the important events from five years ago. I want to stop paying for a journal I scarcely use these days. I want to re-invent my blog. Maybe it will be just for me – maybe someone will stumble across it and decide to stay. Whatever the case, I need a change.
Hopefully this is it.
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